(This article was first shared on MadnessHeart.Press in 2020)
Look, I know, that title? It’s clickbait. You clicked on it because surely, surely there isn’t a serious article by a serious press about authors and their dicks. And yes, while I do collect pictures of writers’ genitalia, that is a sacred bond between me and Shane McKenzie.
No, here we will not discuss authors’ genitals but rather the genitals they create via the written word. We will penetrate deep into the literature itself, separating folds of bibliophile obfuscation to fully reveal the throbbing yet sensual world of literary dongs.
- IF THE GENITALS ARE GROUND LIKE A FINE NUTMEG: You’re reading Ryan Harding. Not gonna mince words the way Ryan minces dicks in his ground (and ball) breaking work Genital Grinder. If you are looking for pure unadulterated destruction of beef bullets, Ryan Harding has got you covered.
- IF THE PENIS IS SOAPY AND SLIPPERY: You’re reading Lucas Mangum. I mention Lucas here because Lucas just wrote a book with Ryan Harding called Pandemonium, which has an intense and incredible on-page death toll. “But what about the slippery and soapy willy?” You ask desperately, yearning for pork-swords. Well, for that you can check out the SplatterPunk nominated book Saint Sadist. The only book on the list with a flesh-cigar-themed theological debate!
- IF THE COCK IS CUT INTO THE SHAPE OF A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER: You’re reading Jay Wilburn. Jay Wilburn is notable for hosting the spiritual podcast “Matters of Faith.” So where does this gorgeous fauna good-wood come in? Well, he is writing a series called Vampire Christ. Book 2 just came out, but in book 1, there is a beloved and cherished saint whose whistle-pig is in fact origami’d into a Georgia O’Keefe painting.
- IF THE BONGO-TOPPER IS ONE OF HUNDREDS BEING CRUSHED IN LONG OVERDUE VENGEANCE: You are reading Gina Ranalli. Gina wrote a book called All Men Are Trash, the title and cover alone was enough to get several people in the publisher’s company PERMENANTLY BANNED FROM FACEBOOK! But don’t worry, fragile masculinity is a myth. Read the book for some sweet sweet comeuppance.
- IF THE GRAMBO IS BEING STUCK IN SOME HOLES IN A CORPSE: You’re reading Chandler Morrison. Chandler wrote a book called Dead Inside, at one point the narrator is describing the blowjob he is getting as “too warm, too moist, too alive.” This is a high point in this book. It does not get better. This book blew up the scene in California, and you should invite it to blow your mind further.
- IF THE FIDDLE-DEE-DIDDLE-DEE IS MONSTROUSLY LARGE AND BEING USED FOR GREAT JUSTICE: You’re reading Christine Morgan! There is a wonderful character named Horsecock in The Night Silver River Run Red, from Death Head Press, who may be the sort of hero we need. Not we as in me, but we as a society. Maybe I need him too, He’s great. I really look up to Horsecock.
- IF THE PURPLE-HELMETED-WARRIOR-OF-LOVE IS GOING INTO MARINE WILDLIFE: There’s a good chance you’re chuffed to be chugging the chode of Susan Snyder‘s incredible work. Now Susan is an incredible writer, she’s been nominated for two Splatterpunk Awards for her work in short fiction. But she also writes a blog reviewing shark movies. Recently her book on them Encyclopedia Sharksploitanica came available!
- IF THE MEAT STICK IS BEING STUCK IN WEIRD HOLES IN A CORPSE: You’re reading Wile E. Young. Now, look, there is a lot of necrophilia on this list, this is neither the first nor the last. That doesn’t mean that the various bacon-bazookas being stuck into various wonderous rot-caves are all alike! Indeed, in The Magpie Coffin, book one of the Splatter Western series (the second on this list!), a villain is killed by another villain while the first villain is having sex with some DIY fleshlights!
- IF THE ROD IS BONING DOWN ON ITS TWIN, OR REANIMATING THE DEAD WITH JIZZUM: You’re reading Clive Barker. Barker is famous for his upsetting sex stuff. In Imajica, the lead character’s love interest is a shapeshifter who takes his own shape so that he can go fuck himself. In The Hellbound Heart, it’s not actually blood that brings back Uncle Frank, but the desiccated swimmers he left on the attic floor from when he slap-boxed the one-eyed champ to cenobite disco music before being ripped apart.
- IF THE PHALLUS IS MISSING: You’re reading Max Booth III. I once asked Max in an interview if his book Touch The Night had any missing tube-steaks. He responded with “No, wait… yeah, yeah there are. FUCK! I was all set to tell you there was no weird dick stuff in this one, but there totally is.” It was a good interview.
- IF THE WANG IS COVERED IN EVER-BLINKING EYES: You’re reading John Baltisberger. Me? Yeah me! If you read my Splatterpunk Award nominated novella, War of Dictates, I have my own take on the forms of angels and of the horrible things that fallen angels do with their fallen angel mutton-machetes.
- IF THE DONG IS INSIDE AN INTESTINE BEING JERKED BY THE DEAD: You’re reading Kristopher Triana. When I first met Triana, he was just about to win the Splatterpunk Novel of the year award for Full Brutal. But on his table was his book Body Art and the coloring book associated with it. He gleefully flipped open to a picture of a stitched-together monstrosity of an undead porn star masturbating a man using the intestines of another very dead woman. I’m not saying it’s a lot, but Triana is my go-to suggestion for anyone asking where to start with reading horror.
- IF THE FLAPPY-CACK MISSING ANY DESCRIPTION BUT ARE STILL DISTRESSINGLY YOUNG: You’re reading Stephen King. Wait? Stephen King? Stephen King is on this list? Really? Why would… oh you mean that scene in IT, in the sewers where a bunch of pre-teen boys run train on a pre-teen girl in order to stop a primordial devourer god from devouring them? NO! I’m talking about The Regulators! In which the demon possessing the little boy bitches about not being able to bone down on the boy’s mom because the boy’s body rails against it so much! Also during a shoot out there is some fondling, but we aren’t here to talk about breasts this time!
Ah, that was fun, wasn’t it? The truth is, we can’t shake our collective tallywacker at GoodReads without splattering our thick and stringy attention across a dozen books whose ink pens describe flesh-quills in quivering and pulsating glory. Each page of these books is unique and every author combats their hooded ninjas differently. What makes these authors great isn’t their weird schlongs, but how they wield them.